This narrative is based on a few minutes research and good memories. It is not recommended for those subject to swooning over politically incorrect reports.
That obese and jolly fellow decked out in red robes with white animal fur trimmings is Republican Santa Claus. He magically appears this time of year and may sport other names which all translate to Santa Claus in American English. We're not sure the date he came along but it was a short time after Jesus Christ lived and died. The idea for Santa was the merging of a religious philosophy and the very Republican need to produce things and jobs. Whatever the origins Santa was a terrific invention. The Santa Claus character is 100% as Republican as Saints Goldwater or Reagan. Republican Santa has produced steady and growing employment and industrial production for centuries.
The Santa tradition has existed for hundreds of years as an integral part of our major winter festival known as Christmas. Billions celebrate this holiday even though many lack specific knowledge of Christ or the Mass. Christians, Jews, and Muslims know and revere Jesus Christ as a great prophet and or savior. Some believe Santa Claus is a modern Christlike manifestation of miracles and giving. At any rate The Claus Man racks up major sales worldwide each and every fourth quarter.
Here's how we know Santa is a Republican. First, Santa gathers trillions in donations from secret sources all year long. He lives and works at an undisclosed location far off the grid. His compound of shops, cottages, and stables is self sufficient and uses a maximum of all the surrounding natural resources. He maintains a worldwide intelligence network. Able to identify which children have been naughty or nice he dispenses a lump of coal to the really bad kids and uses the savings to give the good children better gifts. With a minimum of red tape he makes deliveries to billions within a tight schedule of just twenty four hours. The delivered gifts arrive neatly wrapped, correctly labeled, and undamaged. Most of the parcels sport his favorite colors of red and green. He uses his animals as beasts of burden to pull his loaded sleds of Christmas cargo. However, he offers his reindeer three hundred and sixty some days of rest in return for their one night of intense work. Santa has a traditional female wife and a large number of adopted children and or helpers of various ethnic and racial backgrounds. Following an apprentice program his children/helpers become highly skilled and disciplined toymaking craftsmen. Republican Santa is a competent administrator able to read and turn thousands of letters and requests into a clear plan of toy production and labor utilization. He is simply a one man whiz of efficiency. Despite economic downturns he consistently delivers more Christmas morning joy then any one else on the planet.
A few years ago the Democrats created their version of Santa but he failed. First, the source of all donations had to be revealed. If some children received less then others, rules were required to spread the wealth. Next, the not so secret Santa compound had to meet certain environmental standards and this reduced the funds available for gifts. Democrat Santa and his hundred advisers felt it was important to a child's self esteem to abolish punishment for the naughty kids. This required the expense of replacing lumps of coal with expensive gifts. Further, to show no sexual bias Democrat Santa was compelled to have several life partners of various persuasions. Of course expensive wrapping paper sporting a rainbow of colors was mandated for all gift packages. Naturally, all his animals and workers were union members and their annual demands for more benefits and pay was strategically scheduled for December 24Th. Meeting the union demands caused a further drain on the gifts budget. To maintain union rules the reindeer were allowed a fifteen minute break from sleighing every hour on the big night. All the incoming lists and requests were subject to committee reviews which delayed Democrat Santa in ordering toy materials. Finally, to honor diversity Santa had to accomodate some new and bizarre holidays. Finding giant seed pods, wooden animal masks, and scantily dressed dancing men required a lot of additional expense and time. All of these factors resulted in a depleted gift budget which required buying inferior Chinese and Mexican toys. Unfortunately, Democrat Santa needed four or five days to complete his delivery obligations and this was a universal disappointment. Needless to say, Democrat Santa Claus lasted only a few years.
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