In odd mental spasms, daydreams, and nightmares I have experiences and memories I cannot explain. From periods of dim recognition to vivid images of a surreal world I float in uncertainty like a leaf spinning in a breeze, but never touching the ground.
In trying to understand, I wonder if I died, quit my human form and became other things. I vividly remember a bed, and my body wracked with pain followed by tranquility. Then came an empty darkness in which I floated for what seemed a long time. Did I die ? Yet, I have visited serious illnesses, hospitalizations, and heavy medications many times. Next, I awake and see myself rising from slumber, bathing, and nibbling breakfast bits. Later, I sense myself pecking at the decomposed carcass of a deer along with other large winged creatures. I don't know why I eat the foul meat or squawk to maintain my feeding position. Then, I automatically lift off from oncoming traffic and flap into effortless flight. I have no knowledge or training as a scavenger bird that I recall, it was all a natural instinct. How did I become a buzzard when I remember waking earlier as a man ?
Another time, I distinctly recall incredible blackness with a steady dampness and an urge to push. I quietly shutter when other creatures burrow nearby fearing I might be their next meal. Then, without knowing why or how, my roots push a tiny green sprig through the grounds crust to meet the nurturing sun and air. But, shortly before I experience being a plant, I distinctly recall toweling myself dry from a warm shower. Drifting from reality to dreamscapes is a queer and confusing situation. While it is not an entirely new encounter, the sharpness of detail, color, and flavors is considerably enhanced from earlier times.
A long time ago, I vaguely remember an oriental religion which taught the odd situation of people becoming other forms of life or creation after the demise of their human body. However, I assume if this ever occurred it would be a total transformation. In other words, if I was reincarnated a worm I would have no memory of ever being a man, and therefore suffer no human memories. If I have passed from human form to other forms of life, it is a disturbing experience to linger between the different realms.
Then there is the Catholic concept of purgatory. As I recollect, it is a holding station for souls who need to atone for past wrongdoings. It is neither heaven or hell, but rather a cleanup station to get good enough to pass through the pearly gates. Maybe part of the purifying process is to experience other life forms with the memory of a former human shell.
I continue to eat, drink, interact, and emote as a human, but shutter off on a regular basis to bizarre states of being. Nothing hurts when I become a rock or butterfly, but the distraction can be dizzying. Honestly, the experience feels as real as the soothing glass of ten year old Madeira I finished ten minutes ago. Perhaps I am learning something from my fantastic journeys, but I'm not sure of the instruction. I have not sought any professional help because my experiences border on what might be considered madness by some, and I cannot bear the possibility of confinement.
I am not certain if I am evolving or devolving from one thing to another. Perhaps I have ascended or descended to dreaming the shadows of a dead man or feeding an insatiable imagination. But, for sure I am becoming something I have never been before.
In trying to understand, I wonder if I died, quit my human form and became other things. I vividly remember a bed, and my body wracked with pain followed by tranquility. Then came an empty darkness in which I floated for what seemed a long time. Did I die ? Yet, I have visited serious illnesses, hospitalizations, and heavy medications many times. Next, I awake and see myself rising from slumber, bathing, and nibbling breakfast bits. Later, I sense myself pecking at the decomposed carcass of a deer along with other large winged creatures. I don't know why I eat the foul meat or squawk to maintain my feeding position. Then, I automatically lift off from oncoming traffic and flap into effortless flight. I have no knowledge or training as a scavenger bird that I recall, it was all a natural instinct. How did I become a buzzard when I remember waking earlier as a man ?
Another time, I distinctly recall incredible blackness with a steady dampness and an urge to push. I quietly shutter when other creatures burrow nearby fearing I might be their next meal. Then, without knowing why or how, my roots push a tiny green sprig through the grounds crust to meet the nurturing sun and air. But, shortly before I experience being a plant, I distinctly recall toweling myself dry from a warm shower. Drifting from reality to dreamscapes is a queer and confusing situation. While it is not an entirely new encounter, the sharpness of detail, color, and flavors is considerably enhanced from earlier times.
A long time ago, I vaguely remember an oriental religion which taught the odd situation of people becoming other forms of life or creation after the demise of their human body. However, I assume if this ever occurred it would be a total transformation. In other words, if I was reincarnated a worm I would have no memory of ever being a man, and therefore suffer no human memories. If I have passed from human form to other forms of life, it is a disturbing experience to linger between the different realms.
Then there is the Catholic concept of purgatory. As I recollect, it is a holding station for souls who need to atone for past wrongdoings. It is neither heaven or hell, but rather a cleanup station to get good enough to pass through the pearly gates. Maybe part of the purifying process is to experience other life forms with the memory of a former human shell.
I continue to eat, drink, interact, and emote as a human, but shutter off on a regular basis to bizarre states of being. Nothing hurts when I become a rock or butterfly, but the distraction can be dizzying. Honestly, the experience feels as real as the soothing glass of ten year old Madeira I finished ten minutes ago. Perhaps I am learning something from my fantastic journeys, but I'm not sure of the instruction. I have not sought any professional help because my experiences border on what might be considered madness by some, and I cannot bear the possibility of confinement.
I am not certain if I am evolving or devolving from one thing to another. Perhaps I have ascended or descended to dreaming the shadows of a dead man or feeding an insatiable imagination. But, for sure I am becoming something I have never been before.
No comments:
Post a Comment